On Being Radiant

I’m sharing a tiny secret with you today.  It’s a little phrase that I wrote on a scrap of rice paper a few weeks ago.  Part of me doesn’t want to tell, but another part is seeking accountability or proof that this phrase once existed despite being dissolved into a bowl of water, and probably since has been rinsed down a sink, the letters faded and the soggy fiber catching on the pipes as it swirled down, down, down…

I have spent the past few months grieving.  Grieving an unknown child, grieving my figure, grieving my weight, grieving lost hours of sleep, grieving as insignificant things pass my sight only to have little zings of pain poke at my heart as they remind me of the loss.  Some days I am awesome.  Some days I COPE LIKE A BOSS.  I keep myself together, I get stuff done, I DO ALL THE THINGS and I go to bed at night proud of my accomplishments.  But then other days I don’t want to cope.  I don’t want to do the same thing I did yesterday.  I don’t want to DO DO DO.

And that, my friends, is okay.  But when I keep going back to the grief as an excuse, then I am letting that sadness steal away more time than it deserves.  We should be guiltless in our grief, but never allow it to write the rest of our story.

This verse recently kind of clung to me – there is something encouraging about the word radiant.  I’m not talking about tooth whitening, or how sparkly clean (or not clean hehehe) your floors are, but just shining out with what you have.  Being radiant no matter your circumstances; bursting out with strength from within – not seeking something else to give you that brilliance of light.

A few Sundays ago at church we were invited to write down something that was holding us back from what our great purpose should be.  At first I thought, go to bed on time or make an effort to meal plan better or give up television… all decent ideas, but are those things keeping me from my purpose?  Then I thought of letting go of the guilt but to be honest, I haven’t felt guilty about sneaking in naps or letting the kids watch an extra tv show, or not keeping the house clean.  I don’t need to scratch guilt off the list.  Instead, I needed to stop feeding myself excuses.  Oh poor Maggie had a miscarriage.  Oh poor Maggie doesn’t sleep at night because her kids are up half the night.  Oh poor Maggie just needs more time to herself because children are exhausting.  Poor, poor me.

And what did I scribble on that scrap of paper and quickly fold in half so no one would see?

SELF PITTY

Because I’m not poor Maggie – I am Maggie that miscarried but have made it through the worst of the season.  I am Maggie that feels those little zings in her heart when I fold away the baby clothes, but who has two rough and tumble toddlers that came from my womb and have my eye lashes and love of snuggling.  I am Maggie who has endured great sorrow but will have the wisdom to face future sorrows.

Do you have a word or phrase that you would shamefully scribble on a paper and then let it dissolve away?  Think about it.  What’s holding you back?

Less of a Pity Partier,

~M