Well friends, I have been suffering off and on with what is known as Blogger’s Guilt. It is a condition caused by too few of posts, and not sharing enough about the joys, struggles, and in between-ness of life, thus leaving some gaping holes in this my little corner of e-space.
This may be obvious to some or questionable to others, but I consider myself a private person. You may be thinking, but you’re currently writing this on a very public blog, Maggie, how does that make you representative of anything private? True, I share my projects, things on parenthood, along with some posts of the suckiness and the awesomeness I encounter in life, but there are specific parts of my life that I do not share in this public space.
I think specifically of Quincy’s birth story. I have four attempted drafts that I’ve tried to hammer out on the keyboard, but I could never fully get myself to share all of those personal details of emotion, bonding, pain, power, relief, and amazement. Don’t get me wrong, as Quincy’s due date approached, I began reading blogs, books, and conversing with friends to learn of all kinds of birth stories. Learning of other women’s stories was so empowering and encouraging.
However, for me, a moment in my life like that is one that I can really only share face-to-face, preferably with a hot beverage in hand… maybe some cookies, too? … and be able to converse back and forth about how I felt, what happened, and what I learned and experienced. Assigning letters and paragraphs to such a personal time of my life was (and is) too raw and would expose too much of myself to too many people. And for my unwillingness to share – at least to share in this place – I am sorry.
One item of great importance that does need to be shared is that I had a very difficult recovery after Quincy’s birth. I take a breath as I write those words, and I want to add that I loved my birth experience. Despite a long recovery, I am so happy with every moment (whether amazing or painful) of the birth and wouldn’t change even one solitary minute. I am not writing to scare future mothers; birth is an amazing thing. I write instead to say that pregnancy, birth, and recovery are all part of a journey – one that is different for each person and perhaps each pregnancy. I have the heavy burden of guilt on my shoulders for not sharing every moment of the day our son was born. But, I must be true to myself and keep some things closer to my heart.
So as Baby HG2 grows inside my belly, kicking and fluttering and swirling around, I know there are parts of this journey I will hold dearly to myself and you won’t find them in this space. However, I will say to the mothers and mothers-to-be that want to know my first birth story, and eventually my second, or are having a difficult time with their after birth recovery, know that you are not alone. I think specifically of the incredible friends that have helped me on my journey – sharing their birth stories, listening to mine, coaching me through the tough times, and praying for me – and I am so very thankful for them. I include Brad, my closest friend, in that cluster of amazing people, and am calmed at the thought that he and my pack of awesome friends are still ever present as I continue this journey to bring another life into the world.
I am not a professional blogger, and I don’t have advertisements that I owe a certain number of words or posts per quarter. But I do feel I owe an explanation to you, my dear readers. This whole blog thing started to update friends and family on Baby HG (Quincy), so this post is meant to unburden some of my Blogger’s Guilt. I do want to share so much with you. I want to continue to be real and open as I tick off the markers of this adventure. Just know that though I may not share every last drop of who I am, I still try to represent all vantage points – not just the good or just the bad – but making sure to catch all that good inbetween-ness from which life thrives.
Thanks for listening,
~M